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Avatar
See also: Pocahontas (Golden), Pocahontas (Mondo TV), Pocahontas (Dingo Pictures), Young Pocahontas Not to be confused with a much better franchise In 1994, James Cameron wrote an 80-page script that everyone told him was amazing, but could never be produced. In 2009, the technology needed to make the film finally came into existence. Unfortunately, the movie turned out to not be nearly as amazing as it was fifteen years ago. Granted, it had undergone some retooling since then, but you'd think it'd have turned out better than: Everybody knows it, and everybody has made the comparison. It couldn't be more obvious that Avatar is nothing more than a Pocahontas clone. But hey, it's all good. Avatar has a famous director, state-of-the-art special effects, and it looks really cool in 3D. That magically makes all its flaws disappear! Imagine if Battlefield Earth had special effects like that, it would have been awesome! ...No, not really. A polished turd is still a turd, and Avatar is no exception. But even so, people went to see it, enough so to make it one of the highest-grossing movies of all time. And that's why it's getting sequels (that are taking fucking forever), a theme park attraction (courtesy of the exact people it's ripping off), and even more toys and merchandise to shill. Because, let's be honest, that's all Avatar is really about in the end: selling shit. Plot Summary In 2154 We travelled outer space To mine some unobtanium And save the human race Pandora's like nothing before Yeah it's a really swell place And loaded with just what we need To save the human race And loaded with just what we need To save the human race The Resources Development Administration, RDA for short, is after the unobtanium (snicker) located under the Hometree on Pandora. Only problem is, there's a group of natives living there, and they're kind of in the way. And it's not like there are any other ways of getting at the unobtanium (snicker) in this futuristic world. So, they gotta send someone down in remote-controlled "Avatar" bodies to convince the natives to move. But, one of the guys they wanted for the project died, so they had to get his paraplegic twin brother Jake Sully instead. He was onboard as soon as he found out the Avatar body has a pair of working legs. I can't think of a single way this plan could possibly backfire. In the hometree of Pandora That serves as the Na'vi base There's unobtanium And other wonders everyplace With a nugget for my Nora While we share a sweet embrace And all the rest will go To the future of the human race It's glory, God, unobtanium And saving the human race After some mishaps with the wildlife, Jake meets Neytiri. They seem to hit it off pretty well (sarcasm). Somehow, Jake convinces the Na'vi (who can somehow speak English) to help teach him their ways. Steady as the beating drum Sing to the candea flute Seasons go and seasons come Bring and bear banana fruit O Great Eywa, hear our song Help us keep the ancient ways Keep the sacred fire strong Walk in balance all our days Seasons go and seasons come Steady as the beating drum We will live 'till we succumb Steady as the beating drum And so, once Jake's human body wakes up and explains that he's among the Na'vi tribe, that starts his life of doing only one thing: learn the ways of the Na'vi. And so we get a really long sequence of him doing just that. It includes a scene where Jake and Neytiri have hair sex. It makes just as much sense in context. You think you own whatever world you land on Pandora's just a dead thing you can claim But I know every rock and tree and creature Has a life, has a spirit, has a name You think the only people who are people Are the people who look and think like you But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew you never knew Have you ever heard the viperwolf cry to Polyphemus Or whether we are white or azure-skinned? Can you sing with all the voices of the Hometree? Can you ride the scarlet banshee on the wind? And then the RDA attacks the Hometree to get at the unobtanium (snicker). And when the Na'vi find out what Jake was there to do all along, they aren't happy. Needless to say, interracial relations get even worse than they already were. This is what we feared The sky people are demons The only thing they feel at all is greed Beneath that milky hide There's emptiness inside I wonder if they even bleed? They're savages, savages Barely even human Savages, savages Killers at the core They're different from us Which means they can't be trusted We must sound the drums of war And like idiots, the RDA stick around to fight the Na'vi, even though they no longer have a reason to stick around now that they got what they came for. Jake redeems himself in the eyes of the Na'vi in a way that really shouldn't count as redeeming himself, and leads them in the fight against the RDA. Even the wildlife decide to join in. And this leads into a scene that in no way resembles the battle for Endor from Return of the Jedi in any way. Neytiri mounts a thanator, Quaritch gets a robot suit, and they re-enact the climax from Aliens. Jake falls out of his capsule, and Neytiri helps him get an oxygen mask. Most of the RDA pack their things and go, while the few humans the Na'vi like get to stay. The movie ends with Jake's soul being transferred into his Avatar body. Somehow. If I never knew you If I never felt this love I would have no inkling of How precious life can be And I'm so grateful to you I'd have lived my whole life through Empty as this gag Man, it's such a drag So glad it's over If I never knew blue Development Marketing Awards Gallery File:Avatahantus.jpg|There's no such thing as too many "Avatar is Pocahontas" jokes File:Avatartoys1.jpg|What the movie was really all about File:Avatar_Happy_Meal_Toys.jpg|Remember when Happy Meal toys did something besides play sound bytes? File:Review_avatar1_1.jpg|Please sir, put your pants back on, children are present! File:Neytiri_doll.jpg|Huh huh huh. Dude, she's like, topless. File:MTR2295Alg.jpg|Given the choice between a cool space marine and a naked blue guy, which would you choose? File:Jakearmband.jpg%7Eoriginal.jpeg|Here's a great idea, let's make merchandise of stuff nobody noticed? File:Neytirichoker.jpg%7Eoriginal.jpeg|Seriously, did anyone actually notice or remember this stuff? Avatar Land In a bizarre turn of events, Disney themselves decided to devote an entire section of their own park to Avatar. They call it "Pandora—The World of AVATAR", but let's just call it Avatar Land for the sake of simplicity. It's interesting to note that Disney parks featured attractions based on Star Wars and Indiana Jones long before Disney bought Lucasfilm. Hmm, I wonder... Category:Movies Category:Computer-Animated Movies Category:Live-Action Movies Category:Whole Plot Reference Category:Star Wars Clones Category:20th Century Fox Category:Pocahontas movies Category:James Cameron's Avatar Category:Popular shit Category:Live-Action Cash-Ins